squandered thoughts

will it be right for me to create a new post to see the whole world what i really feel? luckily, this feeling doesn’t consume me, unlike to what is happening to my dear dear friend.

for the past five months, since i started writing letters all addressed to this person, i stopped crying and hoping. i will never deny that i still think of him, everybody says its a nonsense thing to do, but what i feel is true and at this moment, its the only one that is real. i already accepted that he cannot reciprocate the special feelings that i got for him, and to whatever thing we have right now, it will be a forever thing, nothing more nothing less and its not going anywhere. loving him probably is just on my mind, sorry then, my mind works 24/7.

i am tired of myself talking to people about him, if ever i will open up this (AGAIN) to my friends, i know, i will receive their puzzling stares…. and disgust.

for him: what other people see in you, isn’t the same with what i see… i wont be waiting for you.

my next move? burn this feeling BUT let me savor it first.

in my previous entries about my work and when diane posted a comment, i imagined her smiling, she can very well relate. but when i read her entry (how unfair!)  and posted a comment, i was crying. i never mentioned this part, the heart breaking stories in the field. here’s diane’s story  http://diannehope.blogs.friendster.com/dianne_and_the_world/2007/03/i_was_in_negros.html

i feel so useless, cannot of think of a way to help these less fortunate people, also the reason why sometimes i prefer to stay in the office than travel. if only we can spin the bottle to know who is responsible or can directly help them. if only… what heightened my feelings, the ongoing "event" in manila. poor kids taken and my heartfelt sorry for the hostage-taker.

how will i know if im inlove or not?

will i smile everytime i see him? what if always find myself on the verge of crying?

will i be capable of doing unpleasant things? what if i always tend to be in my best character whenever he’s near?

will i make sure he remembers me everyday? what if i never send him a message?

will i see him soon? what if i do not wish to see him?

will i want him to touch me? what if i don’t want him to touch me again.

he’s far yet he seems so near.

he’s near yet he seems so far.

he’s nowhere near him.

im confused :-/

eversince i started working, overtime has been one of my favorites. i used to work til dawn or morning after. but my recent job doesn’t allow that, we have only until 7 pm to end the day. our office is about to relocate somewhere in comonwealth and as we count the remaining days here in this old house, something weird happened yesterday. it was only 6 o’clock, papers still scattered on my table but im down to my last task, fax my request to iloilo. our fax machine is located at the semi-upper floor of this office. i had a hard time pressing number 3, since iloilo has area code of 033, i keep dialling its number, on my third attempt, i heard something, like somebody has jumped or fallen, then i saw a certificate case or i do not know what it is lying near my left foot. maybe the real owner (who died in this house) doesn’t want anyone disturbing him in his room

still, overtime ‘coz i have not yet decided if i am going later

sometimes, hope doesn’t bring any good. it will only visit you in your dreams…. every night.

"ring… ring… ring…." Permission sought.

"hello…" Permission granted.

now, i hate myself. i cannot think of any words to justify what has happened. he was there as my friend, accompanied me to one of many uneasy parts of my job.

i highly regret it. now i know. but he won’t be a reason to use or not to use my other phone.

"ring… ring… ring…." Permission sought.

"tut… tut… tut…" Permission declined.

its okay… motto for the past three days at puerto galera. cannot even explain well, but those two words keep me smiling (until now :D).

other quotable quotes (that made me laugh soooo hard):

jo (to his bf): baby, wag ka dito malalim dito

joel(or dun): ayan na si col, me dala elctric fan!

dun(to joel): sinu ka-sun mu? family ni ced?

joel: mabibingo na ko eh…

mai: edi sumigaw ka ng bingo!

dun: magtitiwala ka ba kung ang kapitan eh balbas sarado?!… kaya pala commandos, mukha lahat sila kumando!

ced (immitating rusty): tara na, tara na.. (sabay sa sunblock sa mata)

i spent three days at puerto galera, kahit di pko nakakarecover sa itim ng bora. pero okei naman kasi ngayon ko lang ata ulit nakasama ung mga pinsan ko out of town. basta masaya. sana makasama ko ulit sila, kukulit at lakas kumain hehe check http://www.flickr.com/people/mariaellaine/ for more of our pictures

di naman tlaga ko mahilig sa beach pero mahilig ako lumabas kasama ng mga tao tao… hmmm… excited na din ata ako bumalik ng puerto this time with my girlfriends… sana makasama ko din sila circle people sa out of town na masaya . miss ko na kayo! kahit nagiinum na ata kau sa mga oras na ‘to.

last night, my cousin and his gf went out for a couple of beers. we had this strange conversation. rus started asking about my ways… why am i still seeing this guy, why do i go out and see married or attached people, how long have we been like this, and why am i not yet commited and so forth. those questions made me think. then i realized there’s nothing i can do about my current situation. joan asked me (wasn’t the first time) how come i am ok even almost everyday shit happens and people fool around and i let myself to be their victims. well, all i can do is accept certain facts, live with them and so on. i no longer have to be the drama queen….I AM NO LONGER THE DRAMA QUEEN! in fact, my last week was great. four days in boracay, four days of thinking nothing but what and where to eat, what to do next, which bar is for the night. remembering flyfish "hold for your life", atv "your life is in your hands", banana boat ride "you can chill without holding but you have to be cautious of the sharp turn in any minute", sailing "relax, take a deep breath, reflect" and puca beach "you cannot hold you beauty for long"… life really has its own will, different twists and sometimes intense turns. my first ever missed feb fair, since 2002. but i do not have any regrets anyway. hahaha feeling ko naman kasi wala talaga ko namiss, except for long lost friends like ben.

hay. that’s my life. as of now, i want a steady life. and im excited to find a new home, hopefully, to stay there for at least three months. almost every month, something is happening to me and it is always related to where i stay. i should start living on my own, the hell to have a steady  life.

i’ve been in the dark for the past few weeks. but now, i am brighter, better, shinier than ever. I AM OK NOW. people, i am ok now, but not necessarily mean im still the old mylene (im so sorry cheni, the mylene you are looking for has been gone for quite long time, MABAIT NA TALAGA KO EH ha ha ha). 

*a big thanks to little francis

nakakasawa din pala ang mga usaping paulit ulit. isang buwan na nakakalipas, nakakapagod na din. sabi ko nga kay cheni, isang araw lang, pwede kayang wag natin pagusapan un? pero anu magagawa kahit anu pilit iwasan ang usaping un, wala, ganun pa rin. mapaguusapan pa rin ng paulit ulit. TAMA NA!

kitchie at lean. sa pag uusap namin hanggang alas 12 ng gabi dun sa coffee shop na kami lang tatlo ang tao, sa tingin ko paulit ulit lang pero bakit hindi naman nakakasawa? kahit ang pinakapaboritong pagusapan eh ang kacornihan ko o katabaan ko, ayos lang. kahit may paulit ulit pa ding isyu sa mga lalake, sige pa din enjoy lang. namiss ko lang din sila tsaka ung tatlong oras na kwentuhan, laitan at asaran!

nasa nararamdaman lang siguro. :0

here i am again. sh*t! 5 mins to check my mail, and post something to ease myself from all sort of pressure. my sister is home at nginangarag nya ko :(( anyway, ang hirap ng mga tao, why cant they just believe that im from ACADEME, not in any form of gov’t who might turn againts them. i hate it but its part of my job. my charms are on its nth level, and im still forced to exert more. more and more.

im missing everybody

i met this interesting guy… wala lang, parang gusto ko tuloy bumalik balik dun hehe. pero di pwede. ALAM NA!