squandered thoughts

in my previous entries about my work and when diane posted a comment, i imagined her smiling, she can very well relate. but when i read her entry (how unfair!)  and posted a comment, i was crying. i never mentioned this part, the heart breaking stories in the field. here’s diane’s story  http://diannehope.blogs.friendster.com/dianne_and_the_world/2007/03/i_was_in_negros.html

i feel so useless, cannot of think of a way to help these less fortunate people, also the reason why sometimes i prefer to stay in the office than travel. if only we can spin the bottle to know who is responsible or can directly help them. if only… what heightened my feelings, the ongoing "event" in manila. poor kids taken and my heartfelt sorry for the hostage-taker.

how will i know if im inlove or not?

will i smile everytime i see him? what if always find myself on the verge of crying?

will i be capable of doing unpleasant things? what if i always tend to be in my best character whenever he’s near?

will i make sure he remembers me everyday? what if i never send him a message?

will i see him soon? what if i do not wish to see him?

will i want him to touch me? what if i don’t want him to touch me again.

he’s far yet he seems so near.

he’s near yet he seems so far.

he’s nowhere near him.

im confused :-/

eversince i started working, overtime has been one of my favorites. i used to work til dawn or morning after. but my recent job doesn’t allow that, we have only until 7 pm to end the day. our office is about to relocate somewhere in comonwealth and as we count the remaining days here in this old house, something weird happened yesterday. it was only 6 o’clock, papers still scattered on my table but im down to my last task, fax my request to iloilo. our fax machine is located at the semi-upper floor of this office. i had a hard time pressing number 3, since iloilo has area code of 033, i keep dialling its number, on my third attempt, i heard something, like somebody has jumped or fallen, then i saw a certificate case or i do not know what it is lying near my left foot. maybe the real owner (who died in this house) doesn’t want anyone disturbing him in his room

still, overtime ‘coz i have not yet decided if i am going later

sometimes, hope doesn’t bring any good. it will only visit you in your dreams…. every night.

"ring… ring… ring…." Permission sought.

"hello…" Permission granted.

now, i hate myself. i cannot think of any words to justify what has happened. he was there as my friend, accompanied me to one of many uneasy parts of my job.

i highly regret it. now i know. but he won’t be a reason to use or not to use my other phone.

"ring… ring… ring…." Permission sought.

"tut… tut… tut…" Permission declined.